The Curious Case of Validation Seeking Leaders

Many professionals believe that self-doubt disappears once you reach a certain point in your career — a senior role, a larger team, a bigger title, and the kind of responsibility that signals you have “arrived.”

But the reality, as many leaders eventually discover, is often very different. For many people, the doubts don’t disappear at all. They simply change their form.

I remember a phase in my own career when I would constantly look for cues from my boss during presentations, offsites, client meetings and team growth discussions — small signals that reassured me I was doing the right thing. A nod during a presentation, a smile across the table, a brief acknowledgement of a point I had made, or even a quick message after the meeting saying “Good point” would feel like confirmation that I was on the right path.

And if those signals were missing, the mind would immediately step in and begin its quiet investigation.

Something as ordinary as my boss walking past me in the corridor and not responding to my “Hi”, or not smiling back was enough to send my mind into a long chain of analysis.

Did I say something wrong in the meeting? Did my presentation miss the mark? Was there something I overlooked?

The mind is remarkably efficient when it comes to creating stories. Sometimes even a simple message on the office messenger — “Let’s talk.” — would send a chill down my spine, and before the conversation had even happened my mind would already be preparing itself for a difficult discussion.

But more often than not, the conversation would turn out to be something entirely different.

Ideas for business growth. Exploring new possibilities. Seeking my opinion on something important.

Yet the loop rarely stopped there. Even after the conversation was over and I had shared my thoughts and suggestions, my mind would continue analysing my own responses. If my boss questioned a suggestion or didn’t immediately approve one of my ideas, I would once again begin judging myself.

Was that a weak suggestion? Did I sound unprepared? Should I have said something differently?

Long after the meeting had ended, the mind would still be going back and forth over the same moments.

This pattern continued for a while — subtle, invisible, yet constantly present.

Until something shifted. At some point, after a lot of inner work,  I realised that I was quietly relying on external signals to decide how I should feel about myself.

A nod meant confidence. Silence meant doubt. A smile meant approval. A question meant something was wrong.

Without consciously realising it, I had begun outsourcing my sense of self.

Slowly, I began doing something different.

Instead of constantly scanning the room for cues and reactions, I started looking for answers within. I began allowing myself to make mistakes and learn from them without treating every misstep as a verdict on my capability. I started seeing failures as part of the learning process rather than as signals that I was falling short.

Most importantly, I began letting go of the constant need for approval or reassurance from my boss.

And something interesting began to happen. My thinking slowly became clearer, responses felt more grounded and my presence in meetings became stronger and more natural. Not because someone had approved of me. But because I had stopped depending on those signals to decide how I felt about myself.

This is something I see quite often in leaders today.

Many professionals reach senior roles, lead large teams and make important decisions, yet continue to struggle internally with self-doubt, validation seeking and the quiet fear of being judged. From the outside they appear confident, experienced and composed. But internally, they are still looking for signals that confirm they are doing the right thing.

What they are actually seeking is something deeper. They want to reshape how they see themselves. They want their thinking, emotions and actions to align. They want their leadership presence to come from clarity rather than approval.

This is exactly the kind of inner work we explore through HridayVani at SAMAKSH.

It creates a reflective space where leaders begin examining the inner narratives that shape their behaviour, understand the patterns that influence their thinking, and gradually reshape the way they relate to themselves and their leadership.

Because executive presence is rarely built through communication techniques or presentation skills alone. More often, it is shaped by what is happening inside.

And when that inner alignment begins to shift, something else shifts with it. Your thinking becomes clearer, responses become steadier and presence becomes more authentic. And slowly, the need to constantly look outside for validation begins to fade.

That is where Emotional Fitness begins.